So yes, it has been quite some time.
a)Time to re-group
b)Time to remember what's Important
c)all of the above
Everything has been whirling.
And recently I've been pondering...
-"Where is that turning point?" "- in which we find ourselves almost out of breath, wondering: 'when did everything turn to this?'"
I've been an spectator these past weeks. Watching myself forget how my nights end, my eyes heavy in the morning, my vision blurred; my hopes for my next big move. I've caught myself giving myself excuses for my behavior: "I'm in love," "I've been working hard," "My mother's hard to be around," "I'm still young (19) and should get some time to fuck around." So on and so forth. I started to feel a distant sting in my blood and bones that suggests I may be falling into the abyss of Nobody. Doing Nothing. Feeling only bits of my soul. I hate to sound melodramatic, but I can't focus on how I should sound to you, and this is when the chilling realization comes to light: "When does one truly 'grow up?'" And at this, I find myself glaring into myself and thinking quietly: "IT'S TIME TO WAKE THE FUCK UP!"
It's not hard to dissolve into the background static of a simple, quiet life.
It's easy to pretend you have all the time in the world...
I've been thinking about how others' lives are beginning to play into mine.
How I let them.
And how I praise them.
I've been thinking about the almost inevitable insignificance of my days.
How I keep waiting for a strange to come to me and say my future just got here and now is when i can begin the ambitious road I so deeply want. That now is when I can start being up at six in the morning, going out for jogs, spending hours on my work, and separating "my wants" and "my musts."
I don't want to wait anymore.
My future is happening as I write this.
My age, my youth is finding its stability and maturity as we speak.
Maturity doesn't show up on your 25th birthday to say, "delivery!" and throw a career at you.
Stability doing the same thing over and over again. It is to decide what matters most and keeping your word. Caring about you more than you care about what you have the power TO do.
Well, I feel like I'm rambling.
I just felt I needed to type down my latest thoughts.
Will be back soon.
