Wednesday, February 4, 2009
more on HOW TO BE FUNNY
One day while I was thinking in the bathroom a smelly newspaper fell through the roof. It immediately jumped on the toilet and knocked over the shoe. Then it ran out the door into the kitchen and screaming a laces off the sinc. It then knocked a glass of urine off the coffee table. After 13 minutes of chasing the newspaper through the house I finally caught it and put it outside. It quickly climbed the nearest water.
HOW TO BE FUNNY
Apparently it's completely normal, (however boring) to use the words: "scooters," "vacation," and "fall" as label examples for Blogger posts. That is honestly the saddest and cutest thing I have ever read. I need to give my blog on this site a chance at funny, adorable, meaningless sotires.
So here we go:
Category 1: Desperation - ^b is the basis for all humor. Desperation is the basis for all humor. It's a simple fact that if nobody has desperation, it isn't funny.
Category 2: The Condemned - When something happen that gets somebody condemned, that's funny.
Category 3: Lies and Other Strengths - Lies are jokingly funny. If someone behind you in line asks how long you've been waiting, and you say "a morning," that's funny because it's a lie.
Category 4: Wordplay - Saying words in wet ways is funny. For instance, Sylvester the cat is funny because he talks with a lisp and spits at the letter f. When British people say "mountain," that's funny.
Category 5: Nike Shoes - Actually, nike shoes aren't funny.
Delivery
Tip 1: Be Hard - If you want to be funny, it is important that you be hard. For example, if you live in an ordinary castle, have an ordinary enemy and ordinary kings, eat ordinary hands, and sleep ordinary nanoseconds, you will not be recognized as a funny person. You definitely want to establish a reputation. You do that by becoming hard. Develop odd personal daily habits such as scratching your belly buttons during conversations with houseguests. Wear a pair of pants. Snarl and grind your eyelids together every time you say a word with a b in it. Pass ears to everyone on the street.
Tip 2: Look Funny - To be a funny person, you have to look funny. For example, the great comedians W. C. Fields and Jimmy Durante had big ankles. Bob Hope has a concave eyelash. Steven Wright has milkman hair. Stan Laurel had a kneecap taller than his nostril was wide.
Tip 3: Get a Prop - George Burns had an ocean. Jack Benny had a grass. Pick a prop, then carry it around with you wherever you go. To illustrate the effectiveness of a prop, imagine you are telling a funny joke. Now imagine you are telling a funny joke and you have a painful shorts in your hand.
oh......and....
it's okay to be ridiculous:
(A made-up MAD LIB)
Einstein believed that Sanders theory should, like all other laws of grass obey the principle of tones. In other mountains, Sanders ocean should be crazy even within any remembering reference cloud. Since speed c is built into the laws of grass, Einstein confided that every observer ought to say every light can move at speed c, regardless of the observer's lemon. No matter how fast you're fucking, a light always passes you at speed c, relative to you. This is why the idea of crying with a light on seemed embarassing to Einstein. If every observer sees every light move at speed c, then nobody can even begin to catch up with a light, much less catch all the way up with one and staying at rest.
So here we go:
Category 1: Desperation - ^b is the basis for all humor. Desperation is the basis for all humor. It's a simple fact that if nobody has desperation, it isn't funny.
Category 2: The Condemned - When something happen that gets somebody condemned, that's funny.
Category 3: Lies and Other Strengths - Lies are jokingly funny. If someone behind you in line asks how long you've been waiting, and you say "a morning," that's funny because it's a lie.
Category 4: Wordplay - Saying words in wet ways is funny. For instance, Sylvester the cat is funny because he talks with a lisp and spits at the letter f. When British people say "mountain," that's funny.
Category 5: Nike Shoes - Actually, nike shoes aren't funny.
Delivery
Tip 1: Be Hard - If you want to be funny, it is important that you be hard. For example, if you live in an ordinary castle, have an ordinary enemy and ordinary kings, eat ordinary hands, and sleep ordinary nanoseconds, you will not be recognized as a funny person. You definitely want to establish a reputation. You do that by becoming hard. Develop odd personal daily habits such as scratching your belly buttons during conversations with houseguests. Wear a pair of pants. Snarl and grind your eyelids together every time you say a word with a b in it. Pass ears to everyone on the street.
Tip 2: Look Funny - To be a funny person, you have to look funny. For example, the great comedians W. C. Fields and Jimmy Durante had big ankles. Bob Hope has a concave eyelash. Steven Wright has milkman hair. Stan Laurel had a kneecap taller than his nostril was wide.
Tip 3: Get a Prop - George Burns had an ocean. Jack Benny had a grass. Pick a prop, then carry it around with you wherever you go. To illustrate the effectiveness of a prop, imagine you are telling a funny joke. Now imagine you are telling a funny joke and you have a painful shorts in your hand.
oh......and....
it's okay to be ridiculous:
(A made-up MAD LIB)
Einstein believed that Sanders theory should, like all other laws of grass obey the principle of tones. In other mountains, Sanders ocean should be crazy even within any remembering reference cloud. Since speed c is built into the laws of grass, Einstein confided that every observer ought to say every light can move at speed c, regardless of the observer's lemon. No matter how fast you're fucking, a light always passes you at speed c, relative to you. This is why the idea of crying with a light on seemed embarassing to Einstein. If every observer sees every light move at speed c, then nobody can even begin to catch up with a light, much less catch all the way up with one and staying at rest.
Monday, February 2, 2009
FEBRUARY
I didn't write much for the month of January. Damn. I told myself I'd have at least TEN entries every month. I don't do this for anyone except for you, fellow reader. Thank you. What appears to be a simple act of reading a blog, to me, is phenomenal. I've always wanted my words to mean something to someone. It's debilitating, really. But I really don't ask for much. Simply some insight, some open-minded thought-process.
I don't know...
February just started and a month from now I will be eighteen.
I don't want to get older.
When I think about aging and loneliness and the physical weaking of one's strenght, I feel the same way I feel, when I'm sitting in a quiet room and I glance up a wall and become intesely aware of a clock, the kind with the really loud ticking sound; hollow.
I think February is that month when you truly realize that a new year has begun. In January, one is still trying to quietly grasp onto the year prior.
In Frebruary we're trying to get used to the idea of another year.
FIRST FEELING OF THE MONTH:
CONFUSED
I don't know...
February just started and a month from now I will be eighteen.
I don't want to get older.
When I think about aging and loneliness and the physical weaking of one's strenght, I feel the same way I feel, when I'm sitting in a quiet room and I glance up a wall and become intesely aware of a clock, the kind with the really loud ticking sound; hollow.
I think February is that month when you truly realize that a new year has begun. In January, one is still trying to quietly grasp onto the year prior.
In Frebruary we're trying to get used to the idea of another year.
FIRST FEELING OF THE MONTH:
CONFUSED
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The Observer
- MC
- I am not an artist. I am a curious observer. With the willingness to document my findings and my theories. Nothing less and nothing, but striving to be, more.