Sunset Of The Year:

Peace out, 2008. Ready or not: here's the year 2009

see you soon

Just Because

Here are a few things I want and things I will accomplish next year:


Have a longer neck:




Write a play/book/new religion with Ian, dammit:







Dye Michael's hair again:







Go back to SF:






Live in an awesome house/apartment:





Take more photographs:






And do crazy cool things:

Boy: 5

BRIAN CRAIG CEELY

remembered for: making me laugh even when I don't want to

Boy: 4

RYAN MICHAEL DUNN

remembered for: being unaware of how awesome he is!

Girl: 1

JAZZ MASOUD

remembered for: the sweetest things to ever happen to my life

Boys: 3

TEO DANIEL HALL:

remembered for:
the only person who I can hate and love at the same moment

Boys: 2

TAYLOR ANDREW DUNN

remembered for: making a comeback

Boys: 1

IAN MICHAEL ROBERTS:

remembered for: tirelessly catching my burps.

A Special Thanks

Dear Wes (Mr. Defoe),

How can you stand being such a bad ass? Really. But hey, I just wanted to say we all love you and that I admire your unfaltering ability to continues through life and laugh and have the courage to cry sometimes. You have taught me some things that a re priceless and I thank you more than I can say. Oh, and I'm sorry about the times when the "f-word" slips from my lips, and I'm sorry about when I watch action movies in the living room and I'm slightly deaf so I put the volume way too high and I don't notice that you're trying to take a nap in the other living room. When you have to embark on the journey of no return, know that you will be missed and always loved and remebered.

Thank you.
With love,
MARI CARMEN

Inevitable

Even though I've been feeling pretty blue inside,
I've also felt indestructible and as though I've conquered nations.
There's this quote: "Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."
And so far, my piece is, of course, incomplete. But all the add-ons are wicked.
Some are faulty, some could not be stronger.
And in the ridiculous, sudden process of going from scene to scene of my movie, staring ME, the corners have been damaged, and bits of fabric, torn.
But if you take a few steps back, squint a little, and tilt your head a little to the right,
it can begin to look like something stunning; a kaleidoscope, a mixture of beautiful things.

Fading

I can't believe the year's slipped right through my fingers.
I'm a bit scared, really.
I haven't written in a while now and I think it has something to do with the current state of anxiousness I have found myself in lately.
I think too much.
Perhaps not enough.
Whichever it is, it's crazy.
My life's accelerated a considerable amount and I'm happy with where I am right a this moment: sitting in front of my stupid, nine-year old computer, in my almost-clean bedroom.
My sister is still asleep so I'm trying to type lightly.
I'm listening to Death Cab for Cutie and thinking about death; peculiarly enough I love the thought.
Tonight I'm going to a New Year's Party with my sister and her friends.
It seems like a really great idea, I never spend time with my sister.
Ah...there's so much on my mind.
I can't type fast enough and I wish I could because I want to know what my thoughts were on this exact day.
But yet, at the same time, I want to say nothing.
I want to let those thoughts loiter around in my mind, and leaving them untouched and beautiful in their natural habitat.
So I'd just like the say a few things, through photos. (Check next few blogs)

A Mutual Attachment

Cliques. Even the ones to say "Nahuh, I don't belong to one-" Fuck you, you liar - I love you. Yes, I'm a bit inconsistent. But I think it is MORE THAN SAFE (if anything, unsafe to not say-) that I am blessed to have friends that don't fall under a typical, organized rank or personality. However, yes. There are...extremes.
There's the loud/obnoxious, some-what pretentious, strange boy.
There's the sweet, thoughtful, lovely girl.
There's the over-confident, "honest, " wonderfully arrogant guy.
I can't say there are no moments where I find myself sitting, thinking, "Why?"
But I can say, there are enough moments where I stand, thinking "Good."

Regardless, I love and hate everything about them.
I wouldn't want to be without Jazz's harmonious guitar strums.
I wouldn't want to be without Ian's absurd speculations of who I am, or his loudness.
I wouldn't want to be without Andrew's overbearing, or his cigarettes.

I'm going to miss them immensely. I love you guys.

The Knight And The Peasant: A System

Sometimes, when one gets so used to something, one fails to notice the flaws in that system that has become familiar and the constantsy that has become one's "life."
We are not bad people. Nor are we stupid. We are simply busy little humans, living in a system, with expectation, and some predictablilty.
We are not excessive. Now are we ridiculous. We are simply thoughtful little sparks of brain-power, angry consumers, and secret idealists.
My life does not revolve around how great/terrible it is, but instead, around how great/terrible I want it to be. It's an exhausting way of life. But such is me: exhausting and refreshingly complicated - so I like to think.

It appears that we belong to a strange system (Sorry I like the word) and it fuels itself on "self-proclaimed" independence and an established hierachy.
We, naturally, are selfish beings. So we act and re-act merely for ourselves, the ridiculous part is wanting other people to understand, even when we make damn sure we are complicated; immensely. So it's in our nature to put ourselves above others and pretend to be hunble enough to put others above us. Because, even though we are all the same when it comes to this, we think it wrong, rude, etc. to be selfish and conceded - UP THE ASS!

An example:

I like to think I'm stronger and smarter than my mother, in the sense of decision-making, and arguing skills.
She thinks she smarter than the rest of her family and that she reigns over all that is strong.
Here, a hierarchy has been formed. We don't have COMPLETELY different "ethics" and "virtues" but they differ greatly enough to make a big, messy difference.
Such hierarchies and criticised feminist, marxists, anarchists, communists, and other critical theorists, all of which I admire and adore. But they are also...so adorable I can't even stand it. I am a cinic and an arrogant, big-dick, pretentious being, some say - and yeah so what? Fuck you and fuck that. The fact of the matter is that I like me and I like being alright with that. And I like belonging to a criticized "hierarchy!" ... so yeah, I find a way to stand it.

Yes, I have found wrong in the inner-woirking of this "system" I've obviously grown found of. Yes some, most, I want to change. I've already accomplished the first steps: acceptance, and reason in that acceptance

Life, as I know it, is made up of clusters and networks: some simply some complicated, some loud some quiet, some absurd some boring, some right some wrong - but always - ALWAYS, the is and will be balance. Somehow. Somewhere.

Bliss

It's unexpected and beautiful and you become impulse and passion, and your mind clears and nothing means anything and anything means everything - it's utter bliss. And you find youself wondering if it's all a sick dream that will wake you at any moment and you'll fall back and it will hurt like hell. But the wonderful thing is: you don't give a f*** because you are here and love is love and trees and trees, and that's ALL that matters. Ah, it's truly remarkable. And it changes a lot. From the first decision, you look around and things are clear and the colors are intruiging and even if only for the moment, the entire world, through my eyes, is at peace. And there is no chaos in society and no poverty and no flaws in the "system." Everything is perfect. And comfort has been re-defined and even writing this down...I feel like I cannot breathe. And I am more than OK with that.

Yet Another Discovery

This was unlike anything else. I was sitting. Writing. And I looked at the window, at the sky and the city and got teary-eyed and realized: "I love this place." Damn it. I took a deep breath and realized: I'm going to miss this...

Baby Carrots

Sometimes when really bizarre things happen to a small family, the first reaction is,
"ah, shit - what do we do?" Then there are those other times, the rare moments, when our gaze falls to the floor and our minds race, searching for the appropriate
reaction to the "bizarre thing." Then, the instant we realize that something, whether
it's a positive something, a negative something, or a something right in between,
I think that something inside us grows, even when it feels like something has
weakened inside us instead. It's a powerful thing, really. And, without any
hint of doubt, what comes next is even more powerful, it takes us aback
I'm sure. But then we have to find a way to handle it, to stay "strong"
and to find the bravery to understand. It's safe to say my family is
not used to tragedies, so they tend to over-react (greatly) when
anything out of the "ordinary" happens. And even though it is
typically hilarious to stand back and quietly observe and try
to guess what other abnormal face they will manage to
make at the instant that the latest disclosure of our
"family's latest idiotic act," there's still a line, and
their words hurt sometimes. Yes, something has
happened, but glaring at it's negatives, will
NOT "make it all go away" so all that is
left to do is to deal, and give it all
your might and love, and care.
Something beautifully has
occurred and it's like a
canvas, ready for the
all the colors we
might choose.
LOVE.

Words

Just yesterday, I promised myself for the hundredth time this year to commence on a project I have been putting off for quite some time. When I write, I like to submerge myself COMPLETELY into what I'm trying to "say," but I also try my very best to stay in touch with enough reality, so I can observe; mt preferred manner of IDEA-making: TO NOTICE. Yet, the annoying thing about my writing technique is that I never draw out an outline. So I invent as I go, the ideas come to me as i type. Damn it. But so far, so good. It's starting to look more like a screenplay than a tornado of adjectives. Anyway I'm on a role, honestly and that type of luck streak is usually the kind that dwindles the moment you start to get used to it - so here's for hoping I always sit in front of this here screen and always surprise myself and say, "Oh woah, I'm not used to this at all- what!" Wish me luck. I'll keep you updated.

Blind Spots

SOMETIME AGO, I feel in love with a boy. And everything changed. Bystanders later confessed that since the very beginning, they sensed the crash landing, but I don't care. You see, "love" is blindness. And no it is not negative, it is simply a change of view, a different angle, full of a million little blind spots - and when I was in love, all those scary blind spots that were suppose to make me nervous and cautious but instead filled my mind with only one thing: The way his body pressed against mine, or the blades of his fingers caressing my face and neck felt. Simple. Unquestioned. And Beautiful. But the true side-effects of blind spots eventually caught up to me and wrapped themselves around my heart, clinging on for life. Then everything fell apart. My heart and I, we like to go with the classics: a) "it was meant to fall apart and burst into blames of heart break." or b) "It wasn't really 'love' so... we're good." Sometimes I cannot help but think a little differently - even when the other reasons, a+b, have already defeated by pathetic attempts at romantic idealism and ...."possibility."I used to like that word a lot, and now I wish it didn't exist. Maybe I just got tired of it's typical negativity or...constant...lack thereof, because I had at least wanted false promises, although that would have defeat the entire purpose of the word to begin with. When I was a child, I thought "true" love was the kind that never goes away, and sometimes makes a mistakes but always manages to fix them before it's too late. But as I got older I realized it has nothing to do with it's endurance; time. It's about the details. It's apparent that we have tried and failed and it was time to inhale deeply, unlock the door, and leave, off to the next big conquest, whatever we take that to mean. I will, however, admit that my tired little heart, will love that perpetually complex and intriguing idea of him. And the way my heart races when I hear his voice, wont slow down even a pace. Because things like these fade, but the absence of such things, does not. It's embedded in who we are. I just hope that sometimes, he misses me as much as I miss him.

Mourn

THE MURDER OF ORWELL'S MAGNIFICENT PIECE:
1984

The Cure

A few weeks ago, it was brought to my attention that certain beings find themselves bothered by the recognition of a world in which "creativity" is not possible and attempt at grasp of such a notion, at any rate, is absurd. My purpose is not to disagree. In fact, I do find myself from time to time exasperated at the extreme suggestions that all actions are merely repetitions and thinking yourself distinct is pitiable. Yet, I find myself wildly provoked to hope for a more varying perspective. Pardon the possible, ludicrous idealism. If we exist solely to indicate that there "probably isn't a point in all 'this' at all," we become a pure contradiction. To go through life without stepping out of simplicity even once is pathetic. True. Not all decisions are entirely "UNIQUE," but fuck "unique-" The thing is: this is YOUR life. It's not a board game, with limited pieces and only a certain amount of cards and turns. It's once and it's yours. Your story is the only thing that truly BELONGS to you. And the fact that you, in YOUR life, have found the courage to do what you think is right, question what is wrong, and explore the uncertain, with YOUR OWN VERSIONS of what is remarkable, and true, makes you unlike anything or anyone. To be "different" is not to be the pioneer of something universal, or the very creator of a theory unlike anything else, that can change the "world as we know it." NO. It is simply to know enough about yourself, accept it, and maybe love it (just to shake things up) and then -here's the insane part- DO WHATEVER YOU FUCKING WANT WITH IT, regardless of whether or not it's been "done" before. You're you! All experiences have amounted into something unique! It's patterns, significance, an ultimate intent. To lock away all that can be, due to a sad little "realization" that you are alone and that you don't matter, because there have been people like you who have used the same words and have made the same decisions, is waste. There is purpose in everything, even when it is not evident. Accept that.LIVE. And HAVE THE NERVE TO BE EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE. It is not necessary to sit and wonder about ways to become remarkable or worthy in society, or in the eyes of speculators, judges, "friends," or even yourself. But if the fear of failure or being called "common" paralyzes the conqueror in you, I'm certain it will find a way to do exactly what it is set out to. Somehow. I'm not a self-righteous individual. I find myself asking people what they think about me, because there are moments when my narcissism understands no limit. And I want, not to be praised, but simply to be acknowledged, even for the little things. Such things can be selfish, though. So the next step is to hope that I find myself lucky enough to be surrounded by people who appreciate a little "selfishness" and "arrogance" from time to time, just for kicks. So perhaps certain goals of mine have been both envisioned about and conquered, and I might fail to accomplishing their, in my eyes, glory. And it will be the fall of who I strive to be... However, it will not be my LOSS. I have my mind, my words. And in my stupid universe: That MEANS SOMETHING

Poison

The necessary evils of our lives make the unnecessary extremely evident. I am not one to compare love to poison, but merely to bring light into those mixtures of love that create a poison inside our veins. My veins are like tiny little hollow steel tubes; strong, but take just as many hits. If there was no pain, the emotional workings of the heart would be insignificant. Any constant state of something begins to fade into meaningless, so we need variations, degrees. When you find that there's something(someone) in your life that is unbearable, ridiculously pointless, and exhausting, both physically and emotionally, you try to rid yourself of it (them). At the beginning, it's sweet sometimes. You take it down slow and it goes down smoo0th, long enough to blind you and the rest follows, the agony and the frustration. It's not always a thoroughly simple process. But it is ALWAYS worth the little stings. I've been both sides. I have been the poison before. I'm sure atleast one person who is reading this knows that. But I have also been the poisoned. It's liberating, really - learning more, lessening your chances of being poisoned again, seeing the signs. Wanting to be better and stronger is an effect. But it is only something we can consult within ourselves. As we all know, life is short, but also has the ability to be longer than we'd like it to be. Being able to know the difference between what is truely "to live and let live" and what is to truly stall your possibilities by filling your life with something that fails you. Sometimes we talk ourselves into "being alive" and the lie works for a while, but like all OTHER lies, it cannot stand to go by unnoticed for long; lies are selfish and deceptive, go figure, right? Lies are the posion that CAN kill. I don't want to die that way. So I acquire an honest peace and accept the loss of time, some amount of self dignity, and continue to stand tall. There are countless things in life that are worth while: music, words, the sky, the ocean, traveling, being in love, and falling out of love with self-respect, but never self-righteous pride without reason. Any turns that my life musters up the courage to face, are leading me somewhere that is still uncertain, barely making itself comfortable under my skin, finding the damaged parts, thinking up a way to fix them, and discovering all those little wonderful parts that make it feel...right at home. Thank you.