The Unlocking and Lift Away

I HAVE THIS STUPID THEORY that being able and willing to dig around in the old box of painful memories is the most heroic of acts that any individual can forgo within himself. It's safe to say that it's much easier to avoid certain things and particular thoughts. For most. But I don't know - my impulsiveness has lead me to a realization: I need to accept and admit anything and everything into my steady stream of my daily consciousness, otherwise I think I'd go insane. And in that possibility I feel sane. But alone and a little confused. And yet again...



WITH LITTLE ANTICIPATION and numerous warnings , the time has come, for me to associate my decisions of recent times with the ones I can perceive are waiting to happen. This is the now I need to be now. No longer does throwing my arms up in the air, wishing for a getaway or a sign that might tell me why any of this is "worth it", in any way get me to any simple, calm “state-of-mind” that can make sense. I am no longer a child. But yet... I feel so small.

These words are not created to give anyone a reason to dissect them. These words are a fragment in time, yet another dent that goes by unnoticed.

Although to me some of what I experience begins to make me feel alarmed at all the possibility zooming by, I’ve begun to worry about the thoughts and emotions I'm carrying as I prepare myself to jump into wherever this life is leading me. And, believe it or not, such apprehension can drive one into universal madness and exasperation which then leads to decisions, some which may not be...so "wise." But I find myself willing to take the risks.


I stayed up late last, just looking out my window at the brilliant little lights, perfectly aligned with the horizon that belongs to a different country at the same time that I sat there listening to beautifully executed words of someone Else's voice. Then I felt scared. The things I know now, the reality I freely belong to (and with perspective, belongs to me) has begun to change rapidly into something vast, something that can bring absolute bliss, yet at the exact same moment, absolute misery.


“I’m not bitter” I find myself saying in the dark. But I’m ready to accept I may be wrong. Yet, I sit there and hope that I’m just a little lost, that I’ve been looking at a map upside down but caught the mistake and fixed it.

People come around and change everything. You're hoping it's only for a little while but after their adventures inside your life are completed and you're supposed to "move on," it works for a while. But then it comes rushing back one morning and grunting "oh, shit!" is no longer enough. So you open the box and dig. Knowing about all the sharp edges, but also knowing that you carry around in your back-pocket another little box: band-aids.


Then you feel something in your heart. You can't tell whether it's hardening slowly or softening quickly, but with a rhythmic pace that stung with a necessary panic under your skin, you accept it all, even if your words may say otherwise. And with an electric jumpstart to the soft thumps you can hear in your ears, your heart has realized, for the billionth time:

To start KEEP ON GOING.

And this time it means something.

I'VE COME TO THE ATTENTIVE INQUISITION as to WHY everything I'm doing is relevant, and in fact so, IF it is at all relevant. I've been getting bored and I stand around fidgeting my fingers, in that manner that implies I know which words I want to have the courage to gather into neat little explanations, but wont because I'm too scared to. Because I over think things. If only I had that conviction when it comes to the type of courage to say something to someone. But, because I may be getting used to exhaustion, I keep wanting that courage. And thus, searching on. This expedition has to take me somewhere, even if it's somewhere sad, and still lonely.


Then I realize that I'm excited, nervous, and staring at the future with an intense weariness, motivated by the present - a current state that is suffocating me.


But time doesn’t slow down to figure out life’s absurd equations about love, and hate and confusion within you. Time does not sit with you to listen to your theories or things you're certain you have "discovered" because it knows you haven't yet. Because when you do... you're speechless...

But..ready or not...